Conquering One's Self

First I would like to thank Atam Buddhist Monastery for providing us the place for the retreat. Second I would like to thank Ajahn Tom for his guidance. Third I would like to thank the Thai restaurant, Mrs. Pranee and her husband for providing us with good meals.

I just want to share with all of you what I was experienced from spending the past three days at the temple torturing myself in sitting, walking and chanting with a total of about 14 to 16 hours per day.

Friday and Saturday morning were my best periods of the practice because I stuck with my Maha Satipatthana guide step by step and Ajahn Tom's instruction. After lunch on Saturday afternoon, my mind was shattered in pieces. I lost track with my guide. I felt my stomach was too heavy for me to concentrate. I read Maha Satipatthana in Khmer version, an original copy from Preah Traibeydoh, but it was hard for me to understand the old Khmer writings like the words "Kay knong Kay" or the English words "Body in the Body".

With the help of an explanation from Ajahn Somchai, a highly educated Khmer-Thai monk from Si Saket, I was able to put my breathing-in and threathing-out in motion once again with a clear understanding in the mind calming process. I was able to understand deeper and deeper the connection or the relationship between my own body and my mind. This is called the concentration of breathing with mindfulness. When it was set right it did not take long for me to be able to conquer myself.

My concentration was able to shift like I was driving an automatic car, from Kayanupassana to VedanaNupassana, and from Cittanupassana to Dhammanupassana with a clear mindfulness. It was the hardest work I've ever undertaken. Sometimes my neck and legs were overwhelmed with so much pain that I asked myself, "what I am doing here", and that's what I have chosen to do for the last three and half years.

After seeing so much violence that swept through Cambodia, and the suffering that many of us have been through I have decided that it is the right path that I have chosen to follow..nothing else.

Meditation is not about making peace with others or making peace around the world. It is about making peace with one's self (with myself).

I would like to dedicate my practice to all innocent Cambodians who were killed senselessly that their souls will rest in peace. Furthermore I would also like to dedicate my practice to the memory of Samdech Chuon Nat and Preah Maha Ghosananda to whom I highly revered as my true Khmer heros in teaching us loving-kindness and compassion.

Meditation is the only tool to help us end our own suffering.